Except that it's probably not...

I've been a bad blogger and have not written in a couple of weeks. I actually allowed myself to think that this might work out over these past couple of weeks, but have remained cautiously optomistic. Good thing that I tried to remain cautious because our u/s on Monday did not go well.

I got my fourth and final beta # on March 16th. They were 6043. Not horrible, but certainly not what I was hoping for. The nurse seemed to think that this was fine, but I sort of knew that it should have been much higher than that by 6 weeks. I kept telling myself that there was nothing that I could do now and that we'd just have to wait for the u/s to find out what was going on.

After a nice weekend away with Mike where we were able to meet my new niece, our u/s was scheduled for 11am on Monday, March 22nd. I had been counting down the days and was so excited, but could never shake this nagging feeling that something just wasn't right. I'm sure that I came to this conclusion as I interpreted our beta numbers (over and over again) against everything that I could possibly find online. Anyway, up on the table, insert vag cam and we see the sac immediately. ok, good news. She does some measurements. It's hard to see in there, but she is saying that things are looking ok. we see the heartbeat and she does the measurement - 91bpm. Way too slow for a 7 week old fetus. Should be at least 120 at this point. My heart sank and I mouthed to Mike "that's not good." It turns out that I'm also measuring almost a week behind where I should be and given that there is no mystery as to when this all happened, I think that's a pretty ominous sign.

We met with Dr. Pang after the ultrasound and he gave us a 50/50 shot of this working out. He said that the most likely scenario is that the fetus is genetically abnormal and therefore not compatible with life. He went over options if the baby does pass - either pass it naturally or have a D&C. We have to go back for another u/s next Tuesday to see where things stand. Of course there were no appts. available with Dr. Pang, so I'll be meeting with some other dr. that I've never met before. Awesome.

I'm so scared of either outcome next week. if the measurements have caught up - what does that mean for the baby inside of me? is he or she really sick? would carrying the baby to term mean a lifetime of illness or pain? As much as it sucks to think that this might be over, I think knowing you are carrying a sick baby would be worse. I think that my biggest fear of all is that this will drag on for weeks and weeks with no resolution. I've been so on the border with all of this stuff so far, that I can imagine next week's u/s results being inconclusive as well and the torture will continue.

So now I sit here convinced that my baby is dying inside of me and wondering how the hell I'm going to move forward from this. I mean, seriously, WTF? Why us? We spend all of this time, money and energy to finally get pregnant and it's going to be taken away from us? Life does not get any more unfair than this. I keep thinking about how many events that we have coming up that I was so looking forward to experiencing as a pregnant woman which will be so much harder now. I feel so alone and isolated on my little island of infertility and possible miscarriage. No one that I know has been down this road. It's frightening. I'm just not sure how well I'm going to handle all of this. If my verbal altercation with some a-hole in the parking lot of RSC after we heard this news is any indication, I won't handle it well.