Amazing.

You'd probably think that this was a positive post given the title, but you'd be wrong. I'm referring to the amazing power that my body has to gain weight at an incredibly rapid pace despite a good effort to get the scale to move in the opposite direction.

IF has made me a stranger in my own body. I've gained 10 pounds since we started treatments and was already about 7-8 pounds over my ideal weight at that point. I am MISERABLE. I'm a fat, disgusting slob that doesn't fit in to any of my clothes. I bought some bigger stuff when I started IVF thinking that if I got pregnant that this would be some of the bigger clothing that could get me through until I started wearing maternity clothes. well, now that stuff is even getting tight. it fucking sucks ass. there is no other way to describe it.

Since we were forced to take a break for a month, I figured that I'd try my best to lose around 5 pounds before our transfer in December. I had 6 weeks - seems like a pretty reasonable goal, right? Well, since my weight settled around 134.5 after the OHSS incident, I decided that I'd start counting points (weight watchers) and see if I could get closer to 129-130. not great, but much better than the high of 137-138 that I'd experienced during my cycle. Since I started WW last sunday, I've gained 3 pounds. Yes, you read that right. I've been counting points and gained 3 pounds. I was actually hoping to lose 2-3 pounds. yeah, not so much fatso. So now I'm 137.5. Awesome. apparently I snuck in an extra 10,000 calories this week somewhere. yeah, ok.

Was I perfect this week? no. Was I a whole hell of a lot better than the 3 weeks previous weeks? YES. At least if I stayed the same, I could wrap my head around the fact that I need to try a lot harder, but to gain 3 pounds? It just doesn't make sense and makes it so much harder to get motivated to continue on.

I'm mostly upset about the fact that I could potentially be starting off a pregnancy feeling this awful about myself. I originally hoped to be around 120 when I got pregnant (you know, back in those days when I had dreams about just having sex and getting pregnant?) My goal was to gain no more than 25 pounds while pregnant. Well, in all liklihood if this works, I'll be closer to what I hoped would be my highest weight during pregnancy before I ever gain one ounce of baby weight. Gone are the dreams of being a cute pregnant lady - hello Oompa Loompa. You can just attach a wide load sign to my ass right now cause that is what I will be.

Score another one for IF and my dysfunctional body.